It’s Not About Your Looks:

By Alisia — Founder of The Ekklesia Women | Certified Christian Relationship Coach

I used to believe that if I dressed the part, wore the right wigs, beat my face just right, showed just enough cleavage, and slid into the shortest booty shorts, I could finally get the attention I needed from Mr. Right.

But not too much attention—because I still wanted to seem like a "godly" woman.Smh.

I wanted a man of God, even though at the time…I wasn’t even living as a child of God.

And then I had the nerve to wonder why I kept attracting the wrong type of men. Silly me.

I thought if I could just get the man, that would make me valuable.I thought my looks would make him stay.I believed beauty could make me worthy of being chosen.

I really thought my beauty would secure a godly relationship.

But I was wrong.Deeply wrong.

Beauty Can’t Cover Brokenness

What I didn’t understand was that I was trying to use the outer me to hide the inner me—the one still under God’s construction.

Now, hear me clearly: I’m not here to shame that version of me.That girl was doing her best with what she thought would work. No one corrected me. No one told me differently.I didn’t even know I needed correction.

But I thank God that He disrupted that cycle.

Because He wanted more for me than surface-level affection that was rooted in performance.He wanted my identity rooted in Him—not in my reflection, not in my style, and definitely not in my ability to hold on to a man who didn’t even know how to stay.

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.”— Mark 10:9

That Scripture reminded me: Only God can truly keep a union together.

Charm Can’t Keep a Covenant

The Word of God also says:

“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”— Proverbs 31:30 (ESV)

That hit me differently one day.

I was busy building my outer woman—buying the most expensive wigs, squeezing into the tightest jeans, showing thighs and cleavage—while my inner woman was starving.

What I thought was confidence was actually low self-esteem in disguise.I was unknowingly shouting:“I don’t know my worth.”

I Knew How to Attract—but Only the Wrong Kind

I didn’t know how to:

• Submit my emotions to God

• Walk in integrity

• Operate in the fruit of the Spirit

• Confront fear without falling into people-pleasing

• Rest in my identity as a daughter of the King

I knew how to attract, yes—but only men who wanted a good time, not a lifetime.

Let’s be real—your girl used to cuss, too.I didn’t know how to discern.

What Ruth Taught Me

Let’s look at Ruth.

She didn’t use seduction, manipulation, or her appearance to attract Boaz.She walked in humility, servanthood, and loyalty to Naomi—and to Naomi’s God.

And Boaz noticed—not her looks, but her character.

“All the people of my town know that you are a woman of noble character.”— Ruth 3:11 (NIV)

It was her reputation, her integrity—not her red lipstick—that caught his heart.

Ruth was a Proverbs 31 woman in motion before she ever became a wife.

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”— Proverbs 18:22

He who finds a wife, not a girlfriend.So we must become the wife in character before the husband finds us.

And sis?You’re being shaped into one too.

You Are More Than a Reflection

I’m writing this because I know what it’s like to chase relationships.

I know what it’s like to sleep with the enemy and call it love—Hoping that if I looked the part, I’d finally be loved the right way.

But God had to strip that mindset from me.

He had to heal the little girl inside who was still looking for a father figure in every man she met—the one who longed to be told “You’re beautiful,” because her earthly father never did.

I believed my beauty was my only currency.But now I know better.

If You’ve Been There Too, Sis—Read This

If your heart has been broken trying to perform your way into love, hear me:

💔 You are so much more than your lashes, your waistline, your thighs, or your style.💎 If you’re showing everything, what’s left for him to pursue?

We’ve overexposed ourselves.

We have to return to modesty.Let him wonder, “What does she look like under all that?”Give him something to respect, not just to desire.

God Is After Your Wholeness

God is after your:

• Heart

• Character

• Healing

A godly relationship will never require performance.It will require wholeness.

And that begins with surrender.

Let God:

• Develop your character

• Prune your pride

• Heal your wounds

• Teach you how to be a woman of integrity, walking in wisdom, purity, and identity in Him

Because the man God has for you?He won’t just be captivated by your beauty—He will be aligned with your purpose.

And he will see the value in the woman you are becoming.

A Closing Prayer

Father,I thank You for revealing to me the truth—that my beauty without character is empty. Heal the places in me that sought validation from my looks alone. Teach me to walk like Ruth—faithful, noble, and yielded to You.

Mold me into a Proverbs 31 woman, not just in word, but in action and mindset. Lord, I break agreement with the lies that say I have to be anything but Your daughter to be loved rightly.

Raise us up as Your daughters who walk boldly in our true identity, purity, and the power of the Holy Spirit.

In Jesus' name,Amen.

If this post spoke to you, share it with a sister who needs this reminder.Let’s break the chains of performance-based worth together.

Let's Talk,

• Have you ever believed that your looks were the key to being loved, chosen. or accepted?

• Were you ever in a season where you felt you had to or dress a certain way just to keep a marfr attention?

• Can you relate to chasing relationships while your identity in Christ was still under construction?

• Have you ever used your outer beauty to cover up the pain or emptiness within?

• Did you grow up without a father's affirmation and now realize you were unknowingly searching for it in men?

• What mindset did God have to break in you about your worth, identity, or relationships?

• Are you learning now what it truly means to be a Proverbs 31 woman beyond appearance?

1'd love for you to share in the comments:

• What part of this message resonated most with you?

• What is God currently healing in you?

• How are you learning to walk in wholeness. not performance or brokenness?

You never know who needs your story. Let’s encourage one another in truth. love, and real

transformation.

And if you’re ready to go deeper, book me as yourCertified Christian Relationship Coach—let’s walk this journey together!